Emotional Connection Part 2 of 3 - Self Evolvement Series
By Anna Elena Berlin
Experience of Life Researcher, CPC
The powerhouse that is our subconscious minds is the reason we don’t have to will our hearts to beat or our lungs to breath. But its primary function is to assure we stay alive, otherwise it loses its other job which is to keep our bodies, minds, and emotional functions operating. Your subconscious mind is machine like in its dedication to keeping you safe, using fear as its main motivator to get your cooperation. Even if you are striving to live through your heart and love, the 95% of your mind that is subconscious has a lot of control over you, and its agenda isn’t always aligned with your conscious goals or your need for emotional connection.
If you’ve ever experienced the deep feeling of loss from a broken heart your subconscious mind can sense danger when the possibility of it happening again is present. To keep you out of danger’s way it automatically puts up defence walls of fear around your heart. This sets you up to sabotage your own efforts to get close to someone again. Your conscious mind’s choice to take another chance on love is in conflict with your subconscious mind’s mandate to keep you from danger. Your hard working subconscious is just doing its job effectively. It can’t tell the difference between the risk of being eaten by lions and that of suffering another broken heart. It senses only that there is danger and uses fear to keep you from it.
The subconscious mind believes danger can lead to death, and to be fair there is no doubt that people actually do die of broken hearts. More importantly is the fact that according to the research literature people live longer, healthier, happier lives by far with a life partner. However, since your subconscious mind’s main priority is to keep you from danger it initiates protective measures to secure your safety, even if you are willing to take a risk on love and long to have it in your life again. It automatically throws up red warning flags out of nowhere, causing a physiological chain reaction in your body.
One minute you are fine and the next you’re squirming in your chair, your heart is racing, you’re perspiring like a sprinter, you can’t get out of there fast enough, and your promising date goes to hell without your conscious consent. Despite your desire for love, and regardless of your need for intimacy, you are a victim of your own highly effective survival mechanism. Your subconscious senses that you are in danger, activates this mechanism and blame, self recrimination, and more lonely time follows. To add insult to injury we blame ourselves for the resulting subconscious originating misery because it feels like it came from our conscious minds.
If you think that you are flawed for driving away a prospective mate, now is the time to give yourself a break. It’s just not possible to fix this or any other disruptive subconscious originating reaction without being aware of its dynamics, or even that it’s possible to fix. If you believe that
you are romantically doomed because you are (pick any one, or a combination, of the following words): inept; afraid; weak; stupid; frigid; awkward; damaged; hopeless; clueless; paying for some past sin; or unworthy, then this story you are telling yourself is the reality you are living in. That is the power of your unchecked subconscious mind, to make a great person like you believe a fiction like this. That is the power of your beliefs to make or wreck your life. Who knew?
You can stop beating yourself up for self sabotaging your attempts at romance. You are not to blame for the pain your subconscious mind has inflicted on you in the past, only for what you consciously do, or don’t do, to keep it from happening again now that you are aware of it. There is every reason to believe that you will have love in your life. If love didn’t work out before it’s likely because the two of you didn’t work well together, not just because of you alone. Some things just aren’t meant to be. Nonetheless, feeling the appreciation and support that having a life partner offers enables people to flourish in all areas of their lives, and is more than worth taking a chance to get.
It is essential to understand that it’s difficult to get someone great in your life if you don’t feel great about yourself. The way you feel about and see others is a reflection of the way you feel about and see yourself. Learning skills to deal with negative self views is supremely valuable because it leads to the healing that enables emotional connection which leads to self evolvement and a better feeling life.
Emotional Connection Part 3 of 3 - Self Evolvement Series
By Anna Elena Berlin
Experience of Life Researcher, CPC
So, what can make emotionally connecting so challenging? Well, our emotions firmly reside in the realm of the subconscious mind where we can be at its mercy when emotional connection is involved. Our awe inspiring subconscious accounts for 95% of our minds and processes forty million bits of information per second. That’s a million times more per second than our conscious minds do. Our subconscious minds wield extraordinary power over our conscious minds, bodies, beliefs, perceptions, thoughts, attitudes, values, behavior, feelings, emotions, and our experience of life. Learning how to get it to cooperate with your deep needs and conscious goals is beyond beneficial.
I particularly appreciated the effective results detailed in the book, “Psych-K… The Missing Piece/Peace In Your Life” by Robert Williams. His approach to improving people’s lives through understanding the differences between the conscious and subconscious mind focuses on getting positive results. This appears to be much more effective than the traditional approach which obsesses over finding the origin point of the subconscious mind’s conflict. It may seem too daunting to address subconscious issues that keep us from the good feeling life that emotional connection provides. Those that find connecting with others problematic are rarely aware that their subconscious residing emotions are holding them hostage from the fulfilment that they make possible.
Because of recent findings on the brain’s lifelong neuroplasticity, and new ways to manage our habits, we can now learn how to work with the subconscious mind to make the most of our lives at every age. There are well written, study backed books available to help you learn to replace ill serving emotional bad habits with conscious good habits to improve how your life feels. In doing this you make better use of your subconscious mind’s expansive energy and learn to make better emotional decisions. One of the best books to help people find and fix their bad habits is, The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, by Charles Duhigg.
I know some of you think that you are too old and set in your ways for this to work for you so it really doesn’t apply. But, this is wrong thinking because studies on centenarians, enabled by the technology of MRI and CAT scans, have proven that learning that challenges the brain enables it to grow more gray matter, and fight off dementia. In my view, the neuroplasticity gift of this conscious act makes learning in our elder years more important than childhood learning. And, learning new good emotional habits can enrich your life more than anything else.
Almost four years ago, my husband of over thirty-three years died of Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease. I was his sole caregiver for the last ten years of his life. For the last four years of it I
spent 94% of each week at home caring for him. After so much isolation I became socially inept. I was so aggrieved that making an emotional connection seemed impossible to me. My daughter and I suffered his loss so much that the strain of not being able to help ourselves, much less each other, alienated us to the point that I thought we may never be close again. This happened even though we had always been very emotionally connected her whole life.
To salvage and rebuild our connection I made healing my battered emotions, and the Autoimmune Diseases I believe they caused, my main priority because nothing mattered more to me. I realized that if I could learn how to heal myself, I could help her to learn as well. Through self study and reflection I found the emotional distress that had stolen my life away and healed it, then I helped my daughter to heal hers too. This miracle could not have happened had I not made me a priority in my life. Women, particularly, are deeply ingrained with the practice of doing for everyone else first and tending to their needs last. This emotional bad habit takes its toll in isolation, negative feelings, and a lackluster experience of life. If you want to be the best possible you for your loved ones, you have to learn to be good with yourself first.
Giving yourself unconditional love acknowledges that you are okay with being human, and all that entails, and that you are willing to be compassionate to yourself so you can be compassionate to others. These are deeply healing and beneficial to you and those you care about. Embracing these concepts can make you feel better ongoing... now that’s Emotional Wisdom. Finally, as I point out in my new book, GET WHAT YOU NEED, Skills to Build Your Destiny, you don’t have to be perfect to have the life that’s perfect for you.